But today, what is a friend? Facebook has flattened out the idea of friendship. Is it the person you follow who loves woodworking, beer, and edgy political posts? I think most of us see the false intimacy, but does that minimize the value of true friendship?
We also know loneliness can be seen in the brain. Studies show when social creatures like us, are forced to live in isolated situations, their brains’ basic construction is altered, causing nerve cells to wither. Loneliness—much like hunger or thirst—is a signal we’re lacking something. Clearly, we need meaningful relationships. Where do we start?
First, know that friendships are forged in faithfulness. This faithfulness is found in three constructs according to Proverbs 27: Correction, Counsel and Commitment. Look at Proverbs 27:5-6. Faithful friends care enough to correct. (Note: careless correction creates consternation) So many of us love American Idol. Why? We love the acts that come out of nowhere and become great. But, let’s be honest, we also love the brutal honesty of the judges. If there was anywhere on the planet that people need to be told the harsh truth, it is on these shows. People come on the show who can’t carry a tune thinking they’ll be the next big star. The reason these people are convinced they are good is because people in their lives have lied to them. No one has told them the hard truth, so they don’t see reality rightly.
Here’s what Proverbs says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend”. I.E., the truth may hurt but it’s healthy. True friends tell you what you need to hear, while false friends tell you what you want to hear. Do you have a friend that you invite to get in your face and ask you what in the world you are doing? Do you have a friend who loves you enough to be completely honest? Have you given them permission to tell you the absolute truth? Have you asked them to be that honest with you? Those types of friends are indispensable. And to this day, I’m thankful for those faithful friends. They aren’t trying to be the moral police, but a faithful friend. Fruitful confrontation is the right word from the right person in the right way at the right time to the right person.
BIG THOUGHT: Whether or not you can give or receive a correction reveals whether or not the gospel is central in your life. If you are too scared to confront rightly or too prideful to receive it, you have a problem with Jesus. And, if you truly rest in the gospel then you can give and receive without getting mad like people often do.
Secondly, friendships are forged when we have faithful counsel. Proverbs 27:9 says, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” Nourishing friendships keep wise counsel. We need friends to bring wise counsel into our lives. Proverbs 2:6 has clearly stated that true wisdom comes from the mouth of God.
But let me tell you where the secret sauce is: It’s when you give your friends permission to speak into your life. This is where character development takes place. Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Think about it, iron creates a spark – it’s not like rubbing a sponge over a sharp edge.
Here’s where we miss the boat: We get frustrated and want to move on when we feel tension in a relationship. Listen, tension isn’t a mark of bad friendship, but growth. For maturity’s sake, we must learn how to deal with tension and healthy conflict well. Friendships are worth it, and tension is a reality in all great relationships. Can you imagine being with Jesus and you say something to Him, and He looks at you, like He did Peter (Mark 8) and says, “Get behind me, Satan.” I’ll bet we could have cut the tension with a knife that day. But that didn’t slow down the relationship that Jesus and Peter were forming. Rather, it grew it.
Relationships are also formed when there is commitment. Look at Proverbs 27:10 – It says, “Better is the friend who is near.” Proximity matters. I need you to know this is one of the reasons why the local church is talked about as family, even a new family of sorts. Proverbs 17:17 talks about in this way, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
Lastly, we need to come to the place where we recognize this: Relationships are hard but going through life without friends is harder. So, how do we keep these friendships? Two thoughts: First, know that the burden for friendship in on you. You will have to fight the fear of intimacy in your own life. And men are terrible at this. Second, focus on intentionality over intensity. Listen, God has removed the barrier from us so that we can become friends with Him, and He longs for us to experience that with others. So intentionally invite someone over to help you fix a household issue. Know someone who is great at a hobby you’ve wanted to explore? Be intentional.
Dr. Eric Herrstrom is a disciple of Jesus. Passionate husband and dad to two girls. Lover of the local church and planting among the least reached. Connoisseur of craft coffee, college sports, and Mexican food. Author of Integrity is a Lost Art and fervent advocate of adoption!