As I push toward 50 years old, I’m taking more time to reflect on the past few decades of life, marriage, parenting, and leadership. One of the best things about aging is the opportunity we all have to see where we’ve come from and how to continue to scale the mountains ahead of us. So, here are thirteen commitments I wish I had made as a young man…

Ruthlessly commit to resolving relational conflict.
God created us for relationships, and our relationships can express the love of Christ to a watching world. Scripture reminds that it is not the other party’s responsibility to “make things right.” It is mine. Rather than acting like a victim, if I sense a problem, then I need to go to that person and seek understanding with the hope of reconciliation.

Fail Well.
In a day where every kid is a “winner,” learning to fail well is critical. Entitlement, unrealistic expectations, complacency, and sluggishness can plague young leaders. Now, as I parent my own children and disciple young leaders, I’ve found this is one of the most precious lessons I can teach and model. Their growth skyrockets as they learn to risk in new spaces and learn to fail in others.

Model forgiveness when you mess up.
No doubt, people need to see humility in one another. They also need to see a picture of Jesus as both a righteous Judge and good Father. Think about it like this…When my kids do what they shouldn’t do or fail to do what I have asked of them, I don’t want them fearing they are going to be booted out of the house. I also don’t want them to think of the sin as no big deal. By experiencing my humility and ownership of sin, they will be more likely to come to me and acknowledge their mess ups, knowing I’ll be eager to forgive them. We don’t want people to fear out of a sense of condemnation, but rather, we want people to know that relationships can be restored.

Spend more time developing your character versus your competences.
You’ve heard it a million times: “Your competency will take you only as far as your character will sustain you.” Allow Jesus and his community to shape your heart like His.

Begin developing your Emotional Intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence is primarily about knowing yourself, having self-awareness. And because we all have blind-spots to some extent in our lives and leadership, we need to employ practices, rhythms, and time with trusted and candid friends who can help us develop our ability to know ourselves.

Oreo Cookie Relationships.
Like an Oreo, invest in those younger than you as well as invite investment from those older than you. I know older generations almost always have the tendency to point out the naivete younger generations have toward their early adult years. I don’t think the confidence naïveté provides is a bad thing. But I do know that the half dozen men who have invested, discipled, and mentored me early on changed my life. In fact, the men I still submit to for their wisdom, change my life.

Move from being transparent to being vulnerable.
Find a few trusted men and let them speak into you. Transparency is talked about a lot, but I would argue there is a difference between transparency and vulnerability. Transparency is letting people know about you. Vulnerability is letting people speak into you.

Go deeper.
As I pastor, I’m fully aware how most people interpret this statement, so let me clarify: The deepest you can go with the Lord is obedience. Men can be quick to make excuses or pass blame when they are not flourishing. So, we’ll change environments, churches, compromise convictions. I’d encourage you to walk with absolute obedience to Jesus. No one becomes whole apart from obedience.

Give even if you don’t have many resources.
Being generous when you don’t have money is a walk of faith. I have been blessed for decades because people sacrificially expressed generosity to this knucklehead. Their grace and physical blessings modeled for me the heart of the gospel.

Get a Life-Team.
Years ago during a sabbatical, I spent a week in California with Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It radically grew my leadership capacity. One of the most precious things I was encouraged to do was develop a Life-Team. This team took a while to develop but has been a source of joy, encouragement, accountability, and firepower.

A Life-Team is made up of 6-8 non-judgmental relationships that will move toward my pain and emphasize care. I will connect with 3-4 of them per week for a minimum of 90 minutes. Some of those conversations are 5 minutes as I drive to the office or 60 minutes over coffee. These are relationships that I choose to submit myself to for their wisdom and discernment in my life. This circle of people intentionally pursues me in the good seasons and dry ones as well, keeping me from hiding or isolating in my uncertainties.

 
Spend more time in silence.
With the amount of informational and electronic devices constantly seeking our attention, this is no doubt truer today than it has ever been. Silence has cultivated a listening ear; when I exercise it, it serves me well in every area of my life.

Don’t sacrifice the important for the immediate.
As we wrestle in our pride, shame, and sin, we’re tempted to do dumb things. Shortcuts, affairs, and a duplicitous lifestyle never get you to where you want to go.

Keep trusting.
You are going to get burned in life and leadership. People will betray you and hurt you, and your tendency will be to give-up on having deep personal relationships. Continue to take the risk of developing healthy intimate relationships. Trusting people will lead to some pain; not trusting anyone provides a certain destination of loneliness and isolation.

Dr. Eric Herrstrom: Disciple of Jesus. Passionate husband and dad to two girls. Lover of the local church and planting among the least reached. Connoisseur of craft coffee, college sports, and Mexican food. Author of Integrity is a Lost Art and fervent advocate of adoption!