Brothers

Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe it is Alex Van Halen’s words about Eddie [I just finished reading Brothers]. Either way, I feel sentimental and miss my brother this year. One of the last things we did together was see Van Halen at a show in Tennessee. He died shortly after, almost 20 years ago. He was 20.

He was perpetually tormented; mental health disorders and addiction proved to be the end of him. He died of an overdose in his truck. His heart stopped. To this day, it is hard to eat Italian food. He had just gone through the drive-through at Fazzolis, and the smell of death and lasagna had saturated the truck by the time I got there.

I do not have many memories of my brother. The Van Halen concert is my most vivid memory. We were separated by enough years to always miss each other. As I learned to drive, he played little league. As I finished high school, he was in middle school. As I was finished grad school, he was learning to weld. I chased girls, drank heavily, and drove a 67' Mustang; he was a 'late bloomer,' did drugs, and rode a motorcycle.

It is hard to fathom how two people from the same parents, who live in the same home and grow up in the same town, can end up so tragically different. I went away to college and never looked back, bouncing around 3 or 4 different cities before settling in Texas. He lived in my parent's double-wide, joined a motorcycle gang, and never went more than a hundred miles from home. If there ever was a case for free will, my brother and I are it.

I came to know Jesus in a real and saving way around the age of 25. I never got to share the gospel with my brother, only because, while he was alive, I didn't know or believe the gospel. My grandmother swears he was saved. I'm not sure if that's because she witnessed the Lord move in his life or because she was heartbroken. Time will tell, I guess, for both of us.

I think I avoid thinking about my brother because when I do, there is a heavy sadness. I was too narcissistic and self-involved to notice my little brother. He was too angry and distressed to care. I regret my lack of love for him, my lack of compassion and protection. 20 years later, I’m still sad. I miss him.

Let me encourage you this holiday season: seize every opportunity to tell the people in your life that you love them, no matter how different they are or how far they are from you. My brother was tormented, crushed under the weight of life, trapped in his own mental prison, and I didn't see it. Or maybe I ignored it or was busy doing something else. If I had the key, it would not have mattered. I wasn't around to use it.

This Christmas season, ask yourself:

Who do I need to reconcile with?

Who needs to hear my voice?

Who in my life could use a hopeful word, a friendly smile, a hand to hold?

As men, we love to take the initiative and lead out—rightly so! God wants us to take the lead. Maybe it is time we take the lead in reconciliation. Take the lead in forgiving others. Take the first step towards a wayward child. Towards an ex-spouse. Towards a former business partner. Maybe it’s time you called your brother, the one you have not seen in years.

Let’s take the lead in loving others. I’m often reminded that Jesus rarely shows up in a blaze of glory. Jesus usually shows up in a borrowed generator, a spare blanket, and an open door.

Walk-Offs

And for y'all who have lost someone who you know you’ll see in heaven… a friend shared an incredible post with me.

Josh Noem collects images of walk-off home run hitters rounding third base. He said, "I do this because this is how I view us entering heaven."

"Look at the faces of his teammates waiting to welcome him home, writes Noem. "Look at their excitement. They can’t wait to celebrate with him. Look at the fans. Arms raised, big smiles…"

It reminded me of what D.L. Moody wrote when he got word that his namesake and only grandson had suddenly died...

"I know Dwight is having a good time, and we should rejoice with him. What would mansions be without children? He was the last to come into our circle and the first to go up there! So safe, so free from all the sorrow that we are passing through! I do thank God for such a life. It was nearly all smiles and sunshine, and what a glorified body he will have, and with what joy he will await your coming! God does not give us such strong love for each other for a few days or years, but it is going to last forever, and you will have the dear little man with you for ages and ages, and love will keep increasing. The Master has need of him, or He would not have called him; and you should feel highly honored that you have anything in your home that He wanted" (p. 537).

Friends, I can't wait to round third base. Jimmy will be there. So will Mr. Don. And my aunt Rachel. And my mom—all waiting to celebrate with me. Who knows, maybe my brother will be there too.

Hope & Joy

This may be your first holiday season without someone you love who is now waiting for you in heaven. Maybe it’s another holiday with a big hole in your heart and an empty seat at your table. The pain and sadness is real. I know.

If you find yourself in a place where it gets unbearable, maybe close your eyes and envision yourself rounding third. Perhaps you’ll find a little more joy this year.

Rounding third and heading home,

— Harp

This blog originally appeared on Chris Harper's personal blog, Good Trouble.